So here’s “My Challenge”

This year…

I started my “30 things I never thought I would do Challenge.” I don’t know if this is already a challenge out there. It was just something I felt I needed to do. So if there is a movement out there that I have never heard of PLEASE let me know! If you want to jump on the bandwagon and do your own by all means feel free! Basically you just think of 30 things, or how ever many things you choose- that you always thought, “I will never do THAT…or I Can’t Possibly do THAT” and you just do them. I am doing 30 since I just turned 30. Below I will include my list, and I will scratch off what I have done so far. List is subject to change as I dig up some more ideas… Below are before and after pics of some of my progress since starting this challenge. The above picture was taken most recent.

Never will I ever. I will…

1. eat a vegan diet  (Completed 6 months so far)
2. start a blog Hey there!
3. shave my head  (I actually love it.) It’s only shaved underneath but it feels great!
4. incorporate yoga into my everyday live style
5. get a tattoo (still unsure about this one)
6. be able to work more with my husband
7. work on the album I wrote overseas
8. work out everyday
9. really “cook” for my family (Insanely proud of this one) I will be adding a “kitchen page.”
10. enjoy cooking for my family I FINALLY DO!
11. take ownership of this whole “mommy thing”role  It honestly is finally happening. I am so blessed and choosing to be positive and remain thankful to be a mommy!
12. go parasailing (no desire, and afraid to do this) BUT it will probably happen this summer.
13. take a kissing picture and post it online. <always weird to me, but did it haha!
14. quit eating taco bell< don’t judge.I was dying. Now I make vegan crunch wraps!
15. do things without seeking approval from others This is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME!
16. post a work out video of myself. Oh Lord.
17. walk 10,000 steps a day
18. habitually drink 8 glasses of water a day
19. have my own business Started one this year. We Are Sojourners. Made for More.
20. learn to make & bake vegan options
21. dye my hair blue   It turned green. gah.
22. dye & cut more friends hair (5 friends since I started this blog)
23. interview women who inspire me
24. ban negative talk
25. be a healthy weight for my age and height.145 at 30 years and 5’8” Lost 23 lbs!
26. sell my art work
27. pay off ALL credit card debt Yeah BABY! ALL gone!
28. Pay off all remaining debt this year 2019
29. Buy some land/property to build a house
30. have a successful Business and make enough to live FREE from debt

First, let me explain…

Let me just start off by letting you know this took me a week to actually post. I just really want to be vulnerable with this blog. I don’t want to write just to write. I want to mean what I say, and have a purpose with the thoughts I am putting out into the webiverse. My inner thought life has been a constant battle for as long as I can remember. Basically my entire life, I have had an inner dialogue with myself. This is where I would secretly make opinions about things. You know, things I liked or didn’t like. Things I thought were, “cool, or “lame.” Also where I would fight on things or issues I assumed were too hard or impossible for me to accomplish. I used to wake up overwhelmed by how skyscrapers are built, or how the mail system works and how it doesn’t get all mixed up. Don’t get me started on how streets and roads are paved and named. It was all nonsense and overwhelming thoughts that were just an odd distraction from reality. I was like how can I do this? The world is so huge. It is all so much bigger than me. This dialogue was also a map filled with ideas about life. Who I wanted to be. How I wanted others to “see” me or didn’t want others to see me. You may have a similar sounding voice in your head. OR not? GREAT FOR YOU! That voice can overpower our true thoughts about life, ourselves, others, and make us feel a little crazy. Like, why am I arguing with myself? How can I be such two totally different people?I thought I wanted to do this? Why am I having a panic attack? Perhaps I just have a problem or maybe it’s not a problem just something I now recognize and need to deal with in a more healthy way. GAHHHHH!

I was at the park with a good friend. We were watching our boys play. When my friend asked me about future school plans for my boys, I couldn’t feel peace about sending them to school. I guess I don’t enjoy most of my own memories from school. First off, I went to 7 different schools and was home schooled in between. My mom moved us around a lot. I absolutely enjoy learning. I think as a child I just had a fear of failure. I never wanted to do things wrong. So even if I REALLY wanted to do something, I would convince myself I didn’t like it or that I didn’t want to do it. This way, I would’t make a fool of myself if I failed or if my parents said no that I wasn’t allowed to participate. But mostly I was afraid to participate.

For anyone who knows me personally I am always silly, and I love making people laugh. I think I just could’t take myself seriously enough to really do some of the things on my list until now. Some of them I just never wanted to do. Some are good and I need to do. Some I didn’t think possible and I am still working to believe I can do them. It’s a mix of things honestly, and the list is subject to change in case I think of some better ones. Might dig a little deeper,and think outside the box. I think the main reason I haven’t tried these things has been self doubt, lack of self esteem, laziness, and I feared even my own opinions about myself.

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I don’t exactly know when my inner dialogue began. That’s a lie. I think I was pretty young. I remember arguing with my mom about clothes and hair at a pretty young age. I want to say I was about 5. I would often fight her when she tried to dress me. I would yell that I wasn’t pretty and that I didn’t “yike it.” My L’s were Y’s for a season. Don’t judge. ANYWAY, I just remember being overly picky about EVERYTHING! I began to care what people thought at a VERY young age. I sought approval, yet hated everyone’s opinions. Anyway. There was something deeply wrong with me. I’m currently on my journey to continue my healing.

I have already gotten quite a bit of healing. Otherwise you would never be reading this right now. I have to give credit to another voice that has often competed with the others. This one is less of a nag. It’s more on my side. More thoughtful. Less filled with fear. Fearless in fact. Always pushing me to go for it. To not hold back. I have had seasons where I listened and obeyed that inner voice as painful as it sometimes was, and I have had breakthrough and I’ve accomplished a lot when I did so. However there were seasons I ignored it, and hated to hear it. Pushed it away, and lived in a fog of overthinking. Thankfully I am learning to listen to that voice consistently. I believe and know God is the owner of that voice, and has orchestrated this healing process and wanted me to be free for a long time. I am finally giving myself over to that freedom. I am over watching at the sidelines while others do things they love and enjoy without a care. I know God created me to truly live, love, and inspire others to do the same. As well as to teach others how to hear and obey that same voice.

“You were made for more.”

God

My Mantra. My manifesto:

“I will care only about things that deserve my care. I will not care about lying thoughts. imaginary opinions. or even the opinions of those I care about if they are toxic and keep me from obeying God’s voice, meeting personal goals, and lifestyle changes.”

I guess I need to add a number 31 to the list.

31. No longer care.

-Sarah Clerval

We Are Sojourners, Made for More